There are warnings of gales in Forties, Tyne, Dogger, German Bight, Humber, Rockall, Malin, Hebrides, Bailey and Southeast Iceland. The general synopsis at 0600: Low Dover 995 losing its identity.
Mysterious, slightly hypnotic, mostly completely indecipherable to the average listener: this is the shipping forecast is broadcast on the BBC’s Radio 4 several times a day. Despite being of no relevance whatsoever to almost anyone on the British mainland, this 350-word missal has a cult following, and hundreds of thousands of people are thought to listen to it.
Low Tyne 993 expected Sweden 998 by 0600 tomorrow. New deepening Atlantic low expected 350 miles southwest of Iceland 972 by same time.
People are said to enjoy the poetry of the report, its rhythm, the evocative names and its slight air of arcane mystery. When I chance upon it I like its curious grammar, which means it isn’t as smooth as normal speech. It sounds like someone reading a dictionary, or something in another language that they can pronounce but not understand. They have to assume it makes sense.
Viking: Mainly northwesterly 4 or 5, increasing 6 at times, becoming variable 3 later.
Supposedly the 12.48am forecast is particularly popular with listeners who enjoy feeling safe and warm tucked up in bed whilst the careful, slow voice lists gales and rough seas in exotic, faraway places. The report finishes with a goodnight message before the station closes for the night.
North Utsire, South Utsire: Southeasterly becoming cyclonic then northerly 5 to 7. Moderate or poor, becoming good.
The shipping forecast is broadcast on Radio 4, the equivalent of Australia’s Radio National. Radio 4 is a highbrow talk station that broadcasts serious and hard-hitting current affairs and analysis interspersed by all sorts of other things, from a daily radio play to fantastic documentaries and histories, offbeat comedy, a daily radio play (surely an endangered species) as well as programmes on the arts, food and all sorts of other things. There’s also a fifteen-minute daily soap called The Archers that’s been running for seventy years.
Forties, Cromarty, Forth, Tyne, Dogger: Cyclonic or northwesterly, backing southerly later, 5 to 7, occasionally gale 8 at first.
The Radio 4 audience is mainly well educated middle-class types with a heavy bent towards older listeners. Not surprisingly given its esoteric focus, I love it. This week, for example, there was everything from an interview with the Deputy Prime Minister to pieces on murderous children, the role of classical music in the French Resistance, the largest molecule known to chemistry and a radio play about a 47-year-old pregnant woman.
Thames, Dover, Wight, Portland, Plymouth, Biscay: Northwesterly backing southerly or southwesterly 4 or 5, increasing 6 or 7 at times. Good, occasionally poor.
Thames, Dover and so on are names for regions of the sea around Britain, some of which have even more curious names that don’t necessarily refer to adjacent land.
Fitzroy, Sole, Lundy, Fastnet: northwest backing southwest 5 to 7, decreasing 4 for a time. Rough, becoming very rough except in Lundy. Occasional rain. Good, occasionally poor.
Far from being the pet habit of lonely pensioners, the shipping forecast is something of a British institution. It has been mentioned in songs by everyone from Blur to Jethro Tull and was the subject of a poem by Seamus Heaney as well as several other famous series of paintings, photographs and collected writings. There have been the inevitable string of parodies including predictions of shopping trips and midlife crises and reams of references in film and TV in everything from Keeping Up Appearances to Dead Ringers.
Fair Isle, Faeroes: Northerly veering easterly 5 to 7, perhaps gale 8 later in Faeroes, decreasing 4 at times. Rough or very rough. Wintry showers. Good, occasionally poor.
I love the fact that the presenters could be reading gibberish for all the sense it makes to them, despite the recognisable format and terminology. I’m intrigued by forecasts such as ‘Good, occasionally very poor’, which reads like a school report and makes me wonder how the weather can be good everywhere with a sudden patch of ‘very poor’. Intriguing indeed.
